195.2

First of all, They are saying the movie The Vow is the new Notebook.  I'm here to tell you that the Notebook is still the new Notebook.  The movie is good, Channng Tatum is great to look at, I'm not gonna lie, BUT, come on, replacing the Notebook?  Never.  I mean, come on.  The kiss alone! 

"It's still not over ... "

Second, on Sunday, after a particularly difficult eating weekend, I said to my daughter 'What is wrong with me???'  She said, 'Maybe you need therapy.'  Well, I wasn't particularly thrilled with that answer for several reasons.  Yesterday while working out, Hot Zac, my trainer, asked me how the weekend was and we talked about the mishaps.  He then said the golden words.  "Are you an all or nothing person?"  "YES!"  I responded.  He said, "Me too!" 

Come to find out, there are many who are all or nothing.  I am one of those people who can't justify eating just a little becasue I deserve it because I don't stop at just a little.  And now, I know this is REAL.  It just isn't me.  And I can now OWN it and deal with it. Thank you Hot Zac! 

Don't believe me?  Decide for yourself ...

Told you!

I asked him how he dealt with his own battle of all or nothing and he told me what works best for him is to allow one or two MEALS a week that he enjoys.  Not days, but meals.  He watches what he eats the rest of the time and is very regimental and then he allows himself to eat the things, in moderation of course, that he enjoys so he doesn't feel deprived.  I feel like this is a strategy I could follow.

I'm not sure I can follow the pattern Sean Anderson, who wrote Transformation Road, set for himself.  He allowed himself 1500 calories a day.  Period.  Nothing more.  He didn't deprive himself and ate what he liked but kept the calories to 1500.  He was super successful and I admire his tenacity.  I tried that the last week thinking I too could do this.  But I found I couldn't because once past my lips, I choose not to stop.  Choosing to stop is my decision - but for some yet unfathomable reason, I choose not to.  So, until I can understand this response in me, and I'm sure Christines questions will help me figure that out (lol), I have to have the do not pass attitude.  Even the one or two meals a week may not work - but I don't want to deprive myself of the things that make life enjoyable.  I need to learn moderation. 

So, what do I do with this information now?  I manage it.  I start to recognize trigger foods, emotions, places.  All the things that make me crazy when it comes to food and document it so I KNOW what then I can determine how.  This week you know what my melt down food was?  Animal crackers.  Given to the babies at church to quiet them.  During lesson time, I had one to calm my stomach.  Then two.  Then three.  Then before I could sing Just a spoon full of sugar they were gone.  Moral of this story?  Noah is the only one that gets the animals during church!

Hello I'm Julie.  I'm an all or nothing gal.  And, I am not alone. 

Thank you Hot Zac.

Loves. 

195.8

My son turned 23 yesterday and he is a mommas boy. Maybe it's more that I'm a Scottie's mamma. Whatever the case, he is my baby and I adore him. He has been out of town working and surprised me yesterday by wanting to spend the evening with us and wanted me to make him lasagna and a cake that the picture alone makes you gain weight. Long story short it was a dream to cook for him. I could of said no and made healthy stuff but there was sheer joy in the act of cooking.

My January Julie resolve has taken a break leaving February Julie and I am struggling to get her back. I have said before that I am all or nothing. If I start I have a hard time stopping. I need to not allow one bite pass my lips that will become the crack in the dam. I know I am stronger than this. Where are you? How do I get you back?

It is 11:10 on a Sunday morning. I can't change past choices. But I can am and will start this minute to make good choices. Steel curtain. Positive talk. Road to what I want starts now.

Loves.

193.8.

They say confession is good for the soul, I don’t know who They are, but They seem to have a lot of opinions about a lot of things and They are never around to pick up the pieces or enjoy the rewards. 

This has been an emotional week for so many reasons but none of which would make any sense if I wrote them down and even if I did I’m sure They would say ‘just get over it’ and I’m really trying to but sometimes you just have to give in the emotions and feel and hurt and cry and yes sometimes even drink and eat things that are not the best.  Well, that is where I have been this past week.  I call her February Julie.

I hate February.  There is much good – the birth of my son, my grandson, my father, my brother, my daughter-in-law.  But, there is also the 26^th anniversary of my first marriage which was this past Tuesday and I know They say I am better off and I agree but the day comes with memories, remorse, regret, and guilt.  It just does.  The 15^th is also the 19^th anniversary of the death of the mother of my current husbands children who died of cancer when the kids were very young and he goes into mourning mode several days before and after this date which happens to include Valentines day and our anniversary. 

I decided, especially after yesterdays post, that February Julie needed to go away.  I want January Julie back.  So, as of today, here I am.  The past week is just that.  Past.  I have much to be grateful for and I am going to live each day grateful for it and all that comes with it.  I choose happiness.  I’m going to start to LOVE February even if it kills me which it just may.

Loves.

193.8. Christines Question #2 Answered.

·         Who defines you?

·         Do you define yourself, or do other people?

·         Do You have defined roles in people's lives?

·         Are those roles you chose, or were they deferred.

·         Do you enjoy those roles, or do they cause you stress?

·         Is there a person inside you hide from others because you fear others would not find that you worthwhile or acceptable?

·         Do you make yourself 'useful' at the expense of your health?

I have felt my whole life that I have been defined by the expectations of others:  The expectations of my parents where family and religion were concerned; The expectations of my husband(s), which were overridden by the expectations of my parents, where my marriage was concerned;  The expectations of my children in the role I play in their life whether those were formed by society or learned via observation of my own behaviors; The expectation of myself formed by society and my guilt to help my children in their darkest hours both financially, emotionally, and with physical needs.

The few times I have gone outside of those expectations were when I was fed up with convention and wanted to do something for ME!  Or, I just wanted to do something that was NOT expected of me, if that makes sense.  Those are the times I made choices that had monumental and lasting affects in my life – some good – some bad.

I have always felt controlled by my mom which I already alluded to.  Controlled really is a strong word and probably not accurate, but I don’t have a replacement.  The last year of her life I spent much time with her and we did a lot of things to prepare her and my father for her ultimate demise.  Looking back, I realized my life only belonged to me when she didn’t need it.  To be fair, she didn't ask for it.  I gave it.  Willingly.  Out of guilt or love or both I don't know, but I knew I was where I needed to be at the time and at that time, I wouldn't have it any other way.  I had some amazing experiences with her and she was my best friend.  It's just that after she died I realized the toll it took on me.  You have to know that I LOVE HER.  With EVERY fiber of my being and I miss her terribly.

Some of those choices also led to a divorce from my first husband, who despite our differences, really is a good man at heart and the father of my four amazing children.  But that choice led our little family down a road that had it's pot holes that were not always avoided and led to hard consequences for me and my children that I have felt so much guilt about which is overwhelming at times.  I know they have ultimate control over their own choices but try telling that to any parent. 

So, the question this week has been a very difficult one to process.  I believe we ultimately define ourselves by what we allow ourselves to be involved in and what we ultimatly become.  We make the decisions that lead us to where we are and many of those decisions are made during a ‘crisis’ moment that we realize we need to do something different and that is when change is affected for good or for bad.  At least in my case. 

I am trying to review the places I am in my life with family, religion, work, and self.  I am trying to determine if I am truly happy in those places that I call home.  Some of them I am not, so change has started.  For example, I now go to a personal trainer twice a week.  I run with a girlfriend once a week.  I play racquetball with colleagues three times a week.  None of those choices include my husband who has been glued to my hip since before we married nearly nine years ago and that is hard for him, but oh so good for me.  He formulated a plan to exercise and asked me to join him.  I couldn’t give him a definite yes because it interferes with the plans I already made for ME.  I want to support him but I don’t want to in the way he expects me to.  So the choice comes again.  I have to keep guilt and expectations out of the equation and say, what ultimately is going to be good for me and my relationship with him?  I might have to give up something and compromise for the sake of something better, but before I would give up everything to keep him happy.  I don’t feel I need to do that anymore to the extent that I have been.  Does that make sense? 

My whole life I have tried to be a good person and be helpful and kind and Christ like in my actions.  But since mom died and I had my mini-break down, I realized that somewhere inside of me there was a person struggling to get out and be free.  Free from the choices that confine me and bring unhappiness and discontent.  Being overweight is one of them.  This weight loss is a journey for me.  I don't believe there is going to be a final destination because this is a life long quest. The exercise and food choices are stops along that way.  Being size four … okay size ten … or whatever … won’t bring me happiness.  But I believe that if I take control and make the choices instead of allowing those choices to be made for me, I will find that happiness and satisfaction will be the byproducts and reward.

I love being a Daughter.  Wife.  Mother.  Grandmother.  Employee.  Boss.   Friend.  Aunt.  Sister.  But.  I am learning to love myself more.  I will take control of the areas I can and choose acceptance of those I cannot.

Geez Christine.  I didn’t know this would be such hard work !!!

Loves.

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, 

and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. 

Strive to be happy.

~ Max Ehrmann, (1872-1945)

Thank you Pirate

195.0

I couldn't help it.  I weighed.  And so glad I did.  Finally down.

In January, I lost 9.8 pounds.

I know the weight goes up and down on any given day and tomorrow I may be back up - BUT - it was a boost to my morale to see some progress after such a long stall.

9.8 pounds.  WOW!

My goals for February will remain the same except the exercising will go from 7 to 6 times a week.

My target is to lose 5 pounds this month.

Last night my book Road to Transformation came and my goal is to savor and learn from it this month.

I don't really have much to say these days but I am glad to have a place to record and review.

Thank you January.  You were good to me.

February, even though you and I have a love/hate relationship, I am hoping we can find some common ground.

Loves.

196.2

Thank you for your comments yesterday.  When I am home, I do measure my foods to make sure I am doing what I should.  When I am at work or on the go, I try to go with foods I know the calories.  After reading Chris's Post about measuring it got me thinking and wondering if even those measurements were correct.  Today I was forced into eating with the management team and I made as solid choices as I could.  But because it was catered and the provider didn't have the nutritional information, I was forced to look at similar foods and guess as to my calorie content.  I try to be pretty religious when it comes to calories because I want this so bad.  I am just so frustrated that the weight isn't coming down.  My husband says I look like I'm slimming even if the scale doesn't show it.  So, with it being the end of January, I decided to re-evaluate my goals and tomorrow start fresh.  The first thing I am going to do is kick the weighing every day since for 11 days in a row I have hovered around 196.  I weigh at my trainers on Monday so I will do the same at home.  I also noticed that I started eating a heavier breakfast around 11 days ago - instead of Fruit n yogurt parfait from McDonalds (130 calories with no granola that I threw away) I would have Fruit and Maple Oatmeal at 290 calories then adjust what I ate the rest of the day.  There has to be something with my diet that is keeping the weight on.  I am moving every single day.  I am drinking water.  I am not eating breads or sweets.  So, it has to be something that I am eating that is keeping me up.  If I can figure that out and do the measuring better, than I hope by next Monday I will be down.  PLEASE!  I am not giving up.  I am frustrated, but I am not giving up.  Hell, I'm 10 pounds lighter than I was three months ago.  That counts for something.  The steel curtain is up.

Loves.