Wednesday, December 28, 2011


Yesterday I sat in stupor.  I wanted to write a post and connect to the world but the words that went through my head were “what do I have to offer?” with the answer being a big fat nothing.  So I didn’t write. 

I am not a spiritual giant of amazing things to say with insights that will change people’s lives.  In fact, of the many roles I have to play in my busy life, I have failed the most important one – me.   Change was imminent because I was so lost that the only place left was change.  I thought if I could find a place to write – to vent, to plan, to plot, to record, that I could see the changes that needed to be made and keep me from self-destruction.  This was for me.  But, along the way, I found friends who share in my goal for change – and you have something important to say.  Plus, you give me encouragement and hope and I can see a bright future.  I have felt accepted and loved and welcomed.  I feel …. well, home.

Someday, maybe I can make someone else feel like you have made me feel.  Maybe a word I say will mean something to someone who is struggling just like I am.  Maybe the road I am on will help someone else start a journey of their own.   But, until that time, all I have to offer, is the me that I am right now and I hope that is enough.

One day.  One minute.  One step at a time.


Friday, December 23, 2011

Happy Birthday Dani

Today at 2:50 am you turn 25. 


I am NOT that old.

Yes I am.

I am so happy you are MY daughter.

You are the light of my life.

Thank you for being my person.


I love you!


I have to give my thanks to this blog

because I read about this challenge that I am going to do

which ties into these goals I already set for myself.

How cool is that!!


Here are the focus points for this challenge with my goals in Italic and/or Hot Pink.
  1. Commit to a NSV (non scale victory) to be assessed at the start and the conclusion of the challenge.  
    • Quit drinking diet coke and other sugar and aspartame drinks (hot or cold)
    • Commune with higher power every day
    • Read something uplifting every day
  2. Commit to a set of nutrition parameters and track.
    • 1600 Calories
    • No foods with flour or refined sugar
  3. Commit to a set of exercise parameters.
    • 44 situps  and some form of daily exercise
    • Run Frigid 5k on January 15th!
  4. Commit to blogging at least twice weekly and 1 of those times must be you check in with a complete up date on your progress. All other blogs could include new insights, results of weekly challenges, or just letting others know how you are doing.  I probably blog way more than I should anyway but I'm hooked because of the support I have received has literally saved me from my own personal hell!
  5. Commit to support... both giving and receiving. Check others blogs and comment as you feel motivated to do. This will be good for me to remember to give the support that I am thankful to receive!  I read a lot of blogs but I rarely comment and I am so proud of others accomplishments that I must get in the habit of telling them because I know how much it means to me!

Wednesday, December 21, 2011


I’m having a mamma moment – I haven’t had one for a while and I was afraid my heart was starting to get hard again – but nope.  The universe apparently has other plans for me.  

So, while I watch the snow fall and listen to holiday melodies, I will allow the tears to fall as memories of holidays past wash over me.  I will embrace the ache in my soul as I think of her and remember all that she did to make this time of year magical for me and all I love.  I will snuggle deep in the warmth of her love for me for I know she did love me. And I her. 

I miss you mamma.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011


Here's to perfectly normal pancakes!

Sometimes this is how I view eating healthy.  



Friday, December 16, 2011


This post is two-fold.

#1.  My body.

Chris … your comments to post 204.6 were perfect, as per uszh.  I have been watching calories but they have been, as the pirate code says, more of a guideline really.  

 A few years ago in my team room at work we decided to create goals for ourselves that didn’t pertain to anyone else - Just what we wanted to do to make ourselves better.  And, we had to be accountable to each other and there was a consequence for non-compliance.  Now, I am no longer in a team room but I have a friend of mine started working here a few months ago and when I told her about this new thing she said I’ll do it with you – so there is my in my face accountability.  As far as a consequence – I think I will think of a reward instead. If I can set say FIVE-SEVEN goals that I can keep every day than I will reward myself with a new pair of boots (if they are still even in season) because I know I can find a pair of boots that will fit.  Luckily when I am at size 16 my shoes stay at 7.5.  So, officially stating my goals, starting January 2nd, here is the routine for ONE SOLID MONTH minus one solid day:

1.       Calories:  1600
2.       Exercise:  44 sit-ups plus elliptical, treadmill, walking, or racquetball.
3.       Food:  No flour or sugar
4.       Spirit:  Commune with a higher power
5.       Soul:  Read something uplifting.
6.       Other goal:  Run in a 5k

#2.  My psyche.

I’m feeling very scrooge like – I have determined I hate the season – not the reason – but the season.  So many expectations – so many things to fill our time when all I want to be doing is be at home reading a book in front of my fireplace or cleaning or baking or visiting with friends.  Not working, or shopping, or wrapping, or going to parties, or all the rest of the chaos that becomes our life.   This feeling will pass, but for now I’m allowing myself to wallow.  At least for another 30 minutes.