Wednesday, November 30, 2011


I'm not sure I can really count this but I decided I would as long as I was honest and told the story.  This morning I am awaken by my two year old grandson who is hollering because his four year old brother has hit him although I didn't know it when I came bounding out of my bed.  When I go see what the ruckus is, I see the little one, Jack, in tears and hold him and help him get his shoes on as his mommy is trying to get them out the door so she can go to school.  With loves, kisses, hugs, and goodbyes said, I go to the bathroom, then weight.  204.0.  ARHG!!  I go back to bed.  Already depressed for the day.  How am I going to blog this weight gain??? I sleep for another hour and finally roll out of bed, go to the bathroom again and decide to weigh for a second time because maybe a miracle happened in that hour.  203.4.  Done.  I'll take it.  A miracle has been performed.  Either that or I peed a lot.   What ever the reason, I don't care.  I'll take the win.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011


66.6.  Yesterday I realized that is the number of pounds I wanted to lose when I started this journey and further realized I had never declared it.  So, now it is official.  I WANT TO LOSE 66.6 pounds!

My friend Chris (can I call you my friend??  you seem like a friend.  Of course we have never met, but I think if we lived in the same town we would be friends!)  Anyway, I love that she has declared an end and that no matter what she will accept that end with grace and move on with her life. 

I have been doing this for FOUR weeks and as of this mornings weight gain, have lost only 3 pounds.  Wait. Let me say that again. As of this morning, I have LOST THREE POUNDS!!!  I worked hard for those pounds and I am proud of them.  Yep, I made mistakes.  Yep, I overate last week.  Yep, I made excuses.  But gall darn it, in the end, I lost them.  I'm not going to go looking for them.  

I can't see an end date in sight.  This goal may take 1000 days to reach.  It may only take 100.  But you know what?  I am okay with that.  What I look forward to is the journey of self discovery.  I know I have hidden deep inside me the potential to succeed and I am digging deep to find it.  Some days I use a plastic spoon but other days I feel like I am using a back hoe.   I use to tell my kids "it's not the final destination that is important,  it's the journey."  The unexpected detours that sometimes bring the biggest rewards.

The Originals

In May 2010, for their combined birthday present, I took The Originals ... my four kids - no step dad, step siblings or grand children ... on a Journey to sunny CA where we enjoyed the beach, the Dodgers, Rodeo Drive, and of course, Hollywood.

I love the symbolism of this picture.  I know through it all, the Originals will be with me.  Even if I am "Bat sh** crazy" as they love to tell me.  Well, kiddo's, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree!

And Altso, (yes I know I misspelled it - consider it the new word of the day - Altso - say it a few times - you will start saying it too!)  And altso, Journey is big with me and the kids.  They know and sing with me at ear piercing decibels with fake microphones in hand all the important songs.  I may have altso given them an unhealthy  love for Steve Perry.  What?!  I did mention I was 44 right?

Don't stop believing ... [ in me ].


Monday, November 28, 2011


Mondays.  They have become a salve for my soul.

This morning, on my way to work, I stopped by the florists and went right to the cold case and picked out three Gerber Daisies in various colors that suit my fancy at the moment.  One for my office which is displayed in a white vase that holds only one stem - today I chose vibrant pink.  One for my dad that goes in a vase that sits in his kitchen and has a picture of my mom taped to it - today I chose a variegated daisy that is white with purple in the middle.  One which is wrapped in cellophane with greenery and a pretty bow - today I chose red. 

In August 2010, Harold and I went on a three week vacation that started in Barcelona where we stayed in a quiet neighborhood by the ocean for four days, then boarded a cruise ship that took us through the Mediterranean and ended in Venice spending four days wandering around the streets of that magical city.  It was a time that helped bring us closer together to fix the cracks from all the stress of our blended family and build reinforcements for upcoming and unforeseen events.  My parents were thrilled we had this time together and wanted so much for us to be happy.  We had been planning this trip for nine months.  When we left, my dad wasn't doing the best but mom said she would email me.  All reports were fine.  On our drive from the airport I called mom, as is tradition when I go on a trip, to let her know we landed and were on our way home.  I asked about dad and she told me he had been in the hospital for several days and was not doing well.  I was so upset she hadn't told me but I know she wanted me to have a wonderful vacation and much needed time with Harold.  Over the next several days I thought we were going to lose him and it was during that time I realized how selfish I had been with my time.  I knew I would have major regrets if I didn't make a change and find more time to spend with them.  

I know I said no pictures, but I couldn't help it.  They are my world.  They defined me.  They love me.  They accept me.  They are my biggest fans when everyone in the world is against me.  They love me skinny or fat. So, I present, Momma and Daddy.  This was taken the month before she died.  She was in horrible pain and the infection was taking over her body.  But you wouldn't know it from their smiles.  They would celebrate their 54th anniversary December 28th this year.  High School sweethearts.  The first loves of my life. 

So, that is when my Mondays at moms started.  She had a list of things for me to do or to bring to help make things better for dad.  I did housework and slowly he got stronger and eventually has made a full recovery and is stronger now than he has been in years.  That day became my time for talking to them, laughing with them, eating with them.  Just being with them.  Mom always made dinner and would balk if I suggested or actually brought dinner so she didn't have to fuss.  She fussed over me and I loved and cherished my time with them.  It was the one place I could just be me.

Since she died, I my Mondays have changed.  Oh, dad and I still share a meal, I do some housework, and help him make decisions and do projects.  Tonight we are going to put together the 12 days of Christmas mom had ready for the grandchildren (27 of them), and decorate the tree.  We will cry and hug and talk fondly of her.  It will be wonderful and healing.  But now, on my way to dads, I stop to see mom.

Today I will lay a wrapped red daisy next to the headstone that was set last week.  I want her to know I love her and think of her.  I know her spirit isn't there, but it is a physical and tangible thing I can do.  A concrete place I can go.  A place of reverence and solace.

This morning, the girl at the counter remembered me.  She talked to me like we were old friends.  She took care of the flowers with skill and care and told me to have a great week and said "I'll see you soon".

Yes you will sweet girl.  Next Monday morning.


Saturday, November 26, 2011


Small change is better than no change. I'll take it. Tonight at 8:50 was the one month anniversary of losing my best friend, my mom. I am actually okay. Spent the day with dad putting up the christmas tree. Decorations to come next week. We will get through this. In the meantime I am fixing a second Thanksgiving dinner. My kids were at their dads this year so we decided to have another one tomorrow so we could all be together. Mine and his. It is worth the effort. The menu is the same so I will be less tempted. Harold decided to make then cut into a pecan pie. Only 540 calories per serving. I did partake. Hey it is a hard day. I am not giving up. I am prepared for a gain but have not beat myself up over it. I will just do better tomorrow. Hey the window is open. It is a big step. Loves.

Friday, November 25, 2011


UP!  Almost a pound.  Well, I guess I expected that.  What with the olives (even though they were small in calories I forgot they were high in sodium), and the, well, just the whole day.  It was a lovely day.  Great food, company, and a chance to reflect on the blessings of life that I have been given.  I missed mom but it was not a debilitating day.  I opened the window! 

By the way, can I just say, I love Daniel Craig.


Wednesday, November 23, 2011

203.4. Momma

WOW! I am down! I am so happy. Finally seeing some results!

Yesterdays weight was 204.6. I was up .2 pounds from the day before and was sad but determined. I wanted to post yesterday because I had so much to write but the day got away from me with resolve to write today. Then this. Hooray. I counted calories and kept them to about 1200 and even only had one piece of homemade shortbread. I am home today to prepare the house for tomorrow and am worried about temptation but I have determined to fight so I have on my battle armour figuratively, of course, and will conquer my temptations with mop in hand!

I need to write of a sweet experience I had Monday night. Since mom died I have struggled. That is putting it mildly. At times I have felt down right debilitated. I went to her grave to leave a gerbera daisy on my way to spend time with dad, which I do every Monday. I told her I just cannot do this anymore as I am sobbing uncontrollably. This business of tring to live when All I feel is overwhelming sadness and grief. My life is in colors of gray. I missed her and had not felt her and I needed her and could she please let me know she was there. Nothing. I cried some more then told her I would do my best and I would pray for help then went to dads. We sat at the table eating soup and salad and I found myself wondering for the thousandth time how I was going to get past this when a story I told of my mom at her funeral came into my mind.

She was born with only one kidney at 3 pounds and was sick with one infection or another most of her life. One winter Day when she was 7 and after a huge snow storm, she was watching her brothers and sister play in the snow while she sat inside wrapped in a blanket with yet another infection and fever. She hated missing all the fun and decided right then she as not going to watch life through a window. she would determine her own fate and she did. she was active and giving and always busy despite her physical ailments. when she was sick in bed for a year she started a knitting club with women in her church group to teach them how to knit and crochet. She called them the knit wits! the point is that she lived. On her terms despite what challenges she faced. She was, is, amazing!

So this story came to mind as I am eating. Then, right after, the words "dont live your life watching through the window!" came to me. It was a tender mercy bestowed to me when i needed her the most. She was telling me to quit wallowing and get on with my life. So I have. Yesterday was productive and my mental state much improved. I can do this. If nothing else than to honor th her. But I know she would want me to do this for me. For my family. She would not want me to give up. Either on life or this change I am trying to make.

Thank you momma for helping me. I will not let the blessing from Monday be wasted. I will make you proud. I love you and miss you.



Monday, November 21, 2011


WHAT???!!!???  I know.  It looks like success.  Reads like success.  But I know the truth.  Tomorrow it will be up.  I'm glad for the temporary down trend but I now what I ate on FRIDAY that took me nearly to 4000 calories.

Let me 'splain.

Thursday we (Harold and I) went to Vegas for a work trip and I did great on calories.  Even walked down the strip to get a smidgen of exercise while feeling like my head would explode with a head cold.  Friday is where I took a wrong turn.  I didn't get to the comment by Chris which would of helped (I HAVE TO GET AN iPhone - my ipod is good but just not cutting it).  Thank you Chris for posting it - I actually made and ate boiled eggs for breakfast this morning instead of getting a peppermint mocha  because of this suggestion!

Friday my colleague and I had to drive to St. George and on the way we stopped by McDonalds for breakfast (620 calories).  We hit McDonalds on the way out of town for a late lunch (730 calories - McRib don't judge me).  Then Harold wanted to go to Mortons for an early dinner (1300 Calories best I could tally).  Lobster Bisque, Chopped Salad, Bone in Filet Mignon, Mashed Potatoes, Garlic Onion Bread, water to drink.  We shared each portion and I passed on the carrot cake with cream cheese frosting that I later found out was 1500 calories.  Not done yet.  Late night snack.  Yep.  Fritos, Bean Dip, and a glass of wine.  guess what time.  Yep.  10:00.  I didn't enter the food until I got home and could catch up and then I wanted to die.  Where was the Control I talked about in 205.6??? 

Saturday we drove home and I slept when I could but eating wasn't the best.  I knew I blew it the night before so I rewarded myself with a whopper junior and french fries.  Thank you 600 calories.  I weighed myself Sunday morning and it was back up to 206 and I was heart sick along with my head cold sick and I just didn't have the heart to blog about it.  I was embarrassed.  But today, I was determined to be accountable no matter what and was surprised that my weight was down.  Here are my numbers for the week and you will know why I am NOT optomistic about further loss on the scale for tomorrow.  4 of the 7 days calories were over my goal:

  • Mon Nov 14 - 1472, burned 451, net 1020
  • Tues Nov 15 - 1921, burned 453, net 1468
  • Wed Nov 16 - 1126, burned 212, net 914
  • Thur Nov 17 - 1427, burned 0, net 1427
  • Fri Nov 18 - 3896, burned 480, net 3416
  • Sat Nov 19 - 1794, burned 0, net 1794
  • Sun Nov 20 - 1602, burned 0, net 1602
 So, last night, being discouraged for three main reasons, I had a breakdown at church about my mom, I've had this dumb cold for over a week, and I'm not losing weight.  I talk to my child #1 who is also tracking her calories and I ask her to look over my food choices and give me some help.  She says
  • Because I have not lost weight (significantly that I had hoped to by now) but I also have not gained weight, I am in a maintaining state.
  • Even though my calories are down, I'm still eating bad food like bread and breaded items like chicken tenders.  She says, stay away from the breaded items and limit the breads.
  • Worst, I am looking at my net calories as what I still have left instead of looking at the consumed for my limit.  
I have so much work to do.  In the midst of all this struggle, and even though my calories on Saturday were nearly 1800, I have to record a success.  On Saturday I wanted a cookie.  A chocolate chip cookie from Subway that was part of a gas station.  I waited in line.  Then I saw the posted calories.  200 for ONE cookie.  I turned and walked away.  I WALKED AWAY.  I have to celebrate the small successes.  This was small, but it was success. 

I know this week is going to be hard.  Emotionally.  I mean all it took on Sunday to lose it was someone who didn't know my mom had died to ask how she was doing.  AND I have to make the pies she always makes for my dad.  I am working on my strategies in my mind and I will post and be accountable. 

Thank you online world for allowing me to write.


Thursday, November 17, 2011


Down. Good. On a business trip in Vegas. Writing on mobile. Short sentences. Scared about eating and no chance for exercise. Held calories under 1500 for today. I know tomorrow will be difficult. Choices. Watch my choices. Good work today.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011


Impromptu birthday party for grandson at Chuck E Cheese.  That should shed all the light necessary on why I only lost .2 pounds.  I am shocked and dismayed at my inability to NOT SHOVE TWO PIECES OF CHEESE PIZZA IN MY PIE HOLE IN JUST UNDER 2.3 SECONDS!  Okay, I exaggerated.  It's just that, well, it smelled so good and one just was not enough.  I further complicated my night by eating a piece of cake.  Not a huge one, but one nonetheless.  The frosting was blue and child #3 said I looked like I was a titanic survivor.  Seriously though, I could not stop myself.  I calculated my dinner calories and they were over 1000 (shock you say!)  But with the exercise I did yesterday, my net calories were only over by 4, so I didn't feel too bad - but maybe I shouldn't be subtracting my exercise calories to get a net?  If not than I was WAY OVER!

This morning Harold, my husband, and no it is not his real name, and I got in a tiff.  Oh, it started innocently enough, but quickly escalated to a full blown tiff which is to say not as bad as a full blown fight but not innocent enough to just call it a conversation.  When we pulled into work (and yes we work at the same company but in different divisions) he said to me, "Why does every conversation we have lead right into a fight?"  I said "Well, quit being wrong all the time!"  then turned and walked away and into the building as he stood there speechless feeling very smug and self satisfied.

Until about 15 minutes later that is.  Remorse for my words set in.  I tried to call and apologize but he was stuck in meetings so that apology had to wait until about 3:30 this afternoon, when we both apologized and ended the conversation with I love you to each other.  Smoothed over until the next time.

The underlying factor that I find interesting is in my not being able to keep my mouth shut and saying things that hurt him and others, then feeling such remorse afterwards and having to clean up the mess I just made.  Wouldn't it be better to keep myself in check to begin with?  I find that I have the same problem with food.  Like at Chuck's place last night.  I felt remorse after downing the pizza  in 2.3 seconds.  Why couldn't I feel that remorse BEFORE and save me the time of worrying how I was going to get that cheese off my hips????

I keep going back to that issue of control.  I think though that I need to add the word Conscious.
Conscious Control.
Of what I am doing in the  moment I am doing it.

At work I deal with people all over the united states in stressful situations both on the phone and in person.  When I make client visits we often go out to eat.  In both cases,  I have control over what I say, how I say it, what i eat, and how I eat.  So why can't I have CONSCIOUS CONTROL with my husband, children, friends, and food?????

Harold, I want to publicly tell you (which is ironic because I won't tell him about this blog so I don't have to censor myself but I need to write what I feel so this whole journey is real to me) I'm sorry.  You are not always wrong.  I'm sorry I have not been more kind to you in our private conversations.  I will work on that.

Self, I am sorry I don't do better at having more control over the issues that bring you pain and frustration.  I want you to be happy and love yourself and I know I am the key to making that happen.  I will NOT GIVE UP on YOU!

Thank goodness there is a new day tomorrow. 


PS.  In the midst of writing/editing this post, Harold came into my office and an opportunity for a new tiff arose.  I, however, practiced conscious control.  It felt good. One day at at time.  ONE. 

Tuesday, November 15, 2011


Whew.  This is the right direction.  Last night an hour before bed I was 350 calories away from the 1500 I had set for the day.  I wasn't hungry - I was fine.  Then in walks child #1 (who lives with us along with her two children ages 4 and 2) toting Tillamook Rocky Road Ice Cream.  She and I partook of the amazingly wonderful treat and I knew I had calories to give so I didn't resist.  It wasn't until much later in thinking about the day that I realized that even though I had calories to give, I should of left them on the table.  Eating something so rich and creamy right before bed did satisfy something in me but at what price?  At my age (44) I still haven't learned enough about myself to know for sure whether a spoonful is enough or if I get that one taste I will want more and more.  Take it one day at a time.  For now, my goal will be to not eat after seven.  No matter what it is.  Let my body rest before bed.

My goals for today will be to (1) read something uplifting (2) keep my calories to 1500 (3) not eat after 7 and (4) play racquetball doubles.

Monday, November 14, 2011


As of 11-11-11 :

Neck 15.5
Breast Upper 41
Breast Middle 46
Breast Under 41
Waist 42
Belly Button 49
Lower Hips 50

Upper Thigh 23
Mid Thigh 25
Knee 18
Calf 15.25
Ankle 8.5

No where to go but DOWN!

206.4. Humbled and Grateful

I would be most ungrateful if I didn't acknowledge and express my gratitude for the support I received from the blogging community.  I know it was in a direct response to a post on the blog of Chris to check out my blog, who, by the way, is the one who unknowingly gave me the courage to begin, but for whatever reason, I am grateful you took the time to not only read, but comment and give me courage and strength to make it to another day.  Last night as I read all the comments, my heart was full that others could be so kind and gracious and generous in their support of a stranger.  Thank you, thank you.

Now to the weight gain!  Since Friday, I have gained 1.6 pounds.  ARGHHH!!!

I appreciated Deanna's comments about possible weight gain when you start a new regime and I guess that could be some of it, gaining muscle, losing fat, among other things.  But I really think, in my reality, it was an emotional weekend and my body sucked everything up and refused to let go.  Stress gain.  Why couldn't I have been blessed with the opposite.  Stress losing. 

The breakdown:

Friday:   The day was good. Calories good.  Exercise great - did both elliptical and walleyball (volleyball played in a racquetball court).  Emotionally good - went to the school play child #4 played violin in orchestra for.

Saturday:  UP in weight.  Very frustrated.  And to make it worse, the day was not going to allow me the time to exercise or watch what I ate very close.  Saturday was the day that child #3 and I traveled two hours to wish the daughter she gave up for adoption happy third birthday.  This beautiful girl was adopted by a dear friend of mine (clearly an open adoption) and she is thriving!  Child #3 is a very loving and giving sort, but at the time was not able to do for her what this loving couple has.  I am so grateful for the sacrifice of my child who loved her child enough to give her the life she would not be able to provide.  Anyway, clearly, you can see why this day was an emotional day.  Plus we left to go home after a snow storm, in the dark, through a dangerous canyon, and I felt a cold coming on which was full blown by the time I pulled in the driveway.

Sunday:  UP in weight.  Frustrated but I didn't care.  All I wanted was my bed.

Which leads me to today.  UP IN WEIGHT. Surprised?  Me neither.

So, I can be discouraged, which I was, or I can say, okay, you are still down after THREE weeks of this being accountable and trying to take charge of your health, albeit only .2 pounds, but you are down.  So, hang in there, read others blogs for encouragement, look out side of your self for opportunities to serve, and don't let this small setback get you down. Just writing helps to cement what I need to do.  So, my goals for today:
1500 calories and Racquetball (I'm still not feeling 100% but I want to get out there and try at least) and going to the cemetery and have a good visit with mom then off to dads to help him do whatever he needs to do.  Last Monday I bought a flower to remind me of her and it is still beautiful and alive.  I love that.  Altso, I love my new deep voice.  I wish it would always be this deep and sexy!

So, imagine me saying in my in my new deep sexy voice (at least for the next few days), 


Friday, November 11, 2011


Yesterday I was so pissed that I gained weight.  This morning, so happy that I had lost some.  All day yesterday I really wanted to just give up and say screw it!  But I pushed through it.  I'm having the same struggle with my end of the bargain.  The farther from day of bargaining it is, the easier to justify not keeping my end of the deal.  So, today, having success after pushing through, was a reminder that, yes, it will pay off to stay strong. My weight loss is not significant.  But it is something.  Something I did through sheer will power.  No pills, no shots, no surgery.  Just old fashioned exercise and constraint of my taste buds.  I am renewed in my determination to keep my word.  Today is a new day.  New challenges, new opportunities for growth, new opportunities to fail.  I would rather grow.  I miss you mom.

Thursday, November 10, 2011


WTF??? I asked myself.  I was certain I would be down today - not up.  My calories were under 1500.  I did both the elliptical and played walleyball.  How could this happen? It was almost enough to make me say I'm done.  SEe this is why diets never work.  Then, instead of throwing in the towel after only NINE days, I tried to reflect on the situation.  What I did or didn't do yesterday. Then I wondered if it is because the majority of my calories were at dinner which was at six-thirty.  After dinner I didn't snack. But maybe that large amount of calories did as much damage as too many calories.  I don't know.  Adapt.  Okay - today I will keep my calories at 1500, but will spread them out a little more evenly.  See what that does to the old body and spirit.

Goal:  1500 Calories and Racquetball. 


Wednesday, November 9, 2011

205.0. Emotional Eating.

Last night at 9:30 pm I knew I would gain weight.  Yep.  Emotional eating took over and before I knew it, 600 calories had been consumed.  After I entered my food which was not long after the 600 calorie spree and saw the total calorie intake for the day, I thought about sticking my finger down my throat but decided this would just be a lesson learned. 

Yesterday was a bitch of a day anyway - I couldn't think of anything productive after 12:30.  So, when I went to the store to buy things for dinner, I bought some squash.  Squash???  This is the culprit???  Yes.  Yes it is.  Let me explain.  At first, I was just going to cook it so it was ready for when I wanted to prepare it.   Then I thought I might as well make it how I liked to eat it so it would be prepared for when I needed a quick dish.  And of course I had to do it the mamma way - add to 1.25 pounds of squash one TB of Butter and about 1/4 cup of brown sugar.  Sprinkle a little salt, and walah!  Mamma Squash. Okay, still, eaten in control would still be acceptable.  The problem came when I was preparing it my daughter and I got in a tiff and in my current state of 'down' it was a lost battle.  I sat right at the table and consummed the entire thing.  600 calories.  If I had exercised yesterday that would of been okay - but I didn't.  I went to lunch with friends instead.  There is a victory in the day, however, that is when I went into the cupcake store to buy for all people at work and as personal thank you's for kindness, I did NOT partake.  Which is why I gained only .4 pounds.  I'll take that as a small victory. 

So, what did I learn?  Stay out of the kitchen when I'm emotional.  Either that or don't buy squash, butter, or brown sugar.  I think the former is the best. 

Goal today:
1500  Calories (well it's a goal - don't judge)
Walley ball and 20 minutes of Elliptical
No bread today!

Control, ma'am.  Control!

Tuesday, November 8, 2011


Control has paid off.  I can see the movement in the right direction.  Ever so small but present.  I'm so pleased.   Yesterday was a difficult day thinking of the her and the promises made.  But my resolve is ever present.  I know I can do this because He kept his end of the deal.  If nothing else, I will do it for her, which will lead me to do it for me.  Complicated.  In the past when I tried to make change, I shied away because I knew that if Satan knew my goals he would do everything in his power to challenge me and ultimately fail.  But this time, it's not a fear of mine.  I know I will be tempted.  The difference is this time I am committed and determined and I made a promise not only to myself, but to Him.  Breaking this promise has more consequences than breaking my diet - so the determination is there.  I would say to Satan bring it on but that's just stupid to tempt fate.  What I say instead is Father, please help me.

Speaking of Fathers, Dad is doing okay ... lonely in the big house ... but I so took over making lists for him to do ... Mom you would be proud.  Christmas will keep him busy - I pray to find the time to keep both him and my family together.

So, goals for today.
Calories - 1500.
Exercise - 20 minute walk (I played RB yesterday - give me a break!)
No sweets and only this one diet coke.
Argh!!!  This is going to be hard - but that challenge is what gives it meaning - right?


Saturday, November 5, 2011


It may be small but it went down so change by something I did occurred. I had control and I made a plan and change happenes. I realize that inneed to change my goal slightly so I can effect change faster. so today knowing I won't have an opportunity to exercise I am going to change the calories to 1500. it's after lunch and I have already taken in over 500 calories so I really need to exhibit some control.

goals for today:
exercise none because I have to watch the babies.
calories 1500
and control.

On another note I have wanted to feel my mother so much since she passed and I just haven't. I went to my niece's baptism and my senses to the spirit was so tender and so close to tears all the time. the spirit whispered to me that my mother was there and that when I do what I should I would feel her. more incentive to do what's right. yesterday was hard and I realized that certain feelings would probably never go away but that I needed to learn to control my thoughts and actions. There is that word again. control. I can do it. I can.

I love you mom.

Friday, November 4, 2011


I knew the weight loss was too good to be true. 

My goals today:
Exercise - 45 minutes. 
Food - No sweets or desserts
Calories - Under 1700

In looking back on yesterday, the first day back to my real world, I did okay.  I had a people give me condolences and I felt productive.  This morning I didn't even feel sad - I realized that life could go on.  Then of course the sadness came, but I was able to control it.  Control - The word for today.

update 8 pm:
food check. exercise check. calories eaten minus calories burned equal calories under goal.
see one day at a time. now I just need to stay strong through tonight. control. I have control.

Thursday, November 3, 2011


I was not surprised when I got on the scale this morning.  In fact, I was glad it was only up .4.  Last night the mister and I got into a tiff and I could not sleep so at 11:30 PM I was awake eating a baguette dipping it in olive oil and balsamic vinegar with sea salt.  Yep not on the diet.  BUT!  Only .4 is better than nothing.

I was met with my first challenge relating to my side of the bargain and I have to say I came through it with flying colors.  I know that I received help from the other side and I am so grateful for that.

I'm okay today.  Really okay.

Back at work.  Trying to be productive.

Things will get better.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011


I'm not kidding myself that the weight loss is anything to do with me right now.  I have not made the kind of change necessary to show that kind of loss so I am totally expecting tomorrow to be up again.   Dad made me a great dinner last night, this morning I was determined to have a day to myself and the power went out so I made a breakfast of ramen noodles.  I know not stellar for weight loss. 

BUT I have made my graph that is now taped above my scale and I will be monitoring it every day.  Tomorrow I will take the time before my shower to measure and post those for a beginning.

I wanted to stop by the cupcake store but I didn't - so I am giving myself that as my victory for the day.  There has to be one - right?  

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

206.6. It's never too late as long as you have a today.

Yesterday I buried my mother.

I prayed to my Heavenly Father (okay cried out in anguish) and made a deal so her suffering would end.  He must have agreed since she was taken less than 24 hours later.  The details of that bargain are private, but suffice it to say that it involved change.

While there are many areas that I am going to change, my weight is the biggest factor that affects many areas of my life but mostly how I view myself which is NOT positive.

In my despair about my weight and many other things, I found comfort in the posts of this writer. I found her by accident but loved her writing and her early posts while she was in her own despair spoke to my soul.  I love following here and learning from her gifted words.  How do you say thank you for the lessons learned from a strangers pain?

Another blog I found by accident dealing with weight loss is written by a woman named Chris.  She has put her journey in words for all to read and take encouragement from.  A line from a recent post (read before my mother passed and the deal making with my Heavenly Father began) spoke to my soul and I knew I could change.  It simply said, "It's never too late as long as you have a todayl"

Mom died last week.  In my mourning and soul searching, I knew today would be the day that I started my own journey.

So, today, it begins.  This journey is not for anyone but me.  No one may read this.  But I need to write.  I need to say things that I don't or won't say to my own family.  I want to record things that I'm afraid my husband and children will find.  So, there will be no pictures, no names, just numbers and thoughts. 

I am 5'3 and I weigh 206.6.

To my Heavenly Father, thank you.  Thank you for ending her suffering.  In my darkest hour when my own father wouldn't listen to reasoning, thank you for listening to me.  I will keep my end.  I know it won't be easy, but I will do it.

To my Mother, I miss you.  My soul aches without you here.  I know we will be together again someday and that knowledge gives me comfort.  I will take care of dad and I will be a good girl.  I'm hate that now you know all my deep dark secrets that I kept hidden from you while you are alive.  I will live my life so we can be together again someday.  I promise.  I love you.