Yesterday I buried my mother.
I prayed to my Heavenly Father (okay cried out in anguish) and made a deal so her suffering would end. He must have agreed since she was taken less than 24 hours later. The details of that bargain are private, but suffice it to say that it involved change.
While there are many areas that I am going to change, my weight is the biggest factor that affects many areas of my life but mostly how I view myself which is NOT positive.
In my despair about my weight and many other things, I found comfort in the posts of this writer. I found her by accident but loved her writing and her early posts while she was in her own despair spoke to my soul. I love following here and learning from her gifted words. How do you say thank you for the lessons learned from a strangers pain?
Another blog I found by accident dealing with weight loss is written by a woman named Chris. She has put her journey in words for all to read and take encouragement from. A line from a recent post (read before my mother passed and the deal making with my Heavenly Father began) spoke to my soul and I knew I could change. It simply said, "It's never too late as long as you have a todayl"
Mom died last week. In my mourning and soul searching, I knew today would be the day that I started my own journey.
So, today, it begins. This journey is not for anyone but me. No one may read this. But I need to write. I need to say things that I don't or won't say to my own family. I want to record things that I'm afraid my husband and children will find. So, there will be no pictures, no names, just numbers and thoughts.
I am 5'3 and I weigh 206.6.
To my Heavenly Father, thank you. Thank you for ending her suffering. In my darkest hour when my own father wouldn't listen to reasoning, thank you for listening to me. I will keep my end. I know it won't be easy, but I will do it.
To my Mother, I miss you. My soul aches without you here. I know we will be together again someday and that knowledge gives me comfort. I will take care of dad and I will be a good girl. I'm hate that now you know all my deep dark secrets that I kept hidden from you while you are alive. I will live my life so we can be together again someday. I promise. I love you.