203.4. Momma

WOW! I am down! I am so happy. Finally seeing some results!

Yesterdays weight was 204.6. I was up .2 pounds from the day before and was sad but determined. I wanted to post yesterday because I had so much to write but the day got away from me with resolve to write today. Then this. Hooray. I counted calories and kept them to about 1200 and even only had one piece of homemade shortbread. I am home today to prepare the house for tomorrow and am worried about temptation but I have determined to fight so I have on my battle armour figuratively, of course, and will conquer my temptations with mop in hand!

I need to write of a sweet experience I had Monday night. Since mom died I have struggled. That is putting it mildly. At times I have felt down right debilitated. I went to her grave to leave a gerbera daisy on my way to spend time with dad, which I do every Monday. I told her I just cannot do this anymore as I am sobbing uncontrollably. This business of tring to live when All I feel is overwhelming sadness and grief. My life is in colors of gray. I missed her and had not felt her and I needed her and could she please let me know she was there. Nothing. I cried some more then told her I would do my best and I would pray for help then went to dads. We sat at the table eating soup and salad and I found myself wondering for the thousandth time how I was going to get past this when a story I told of my mom at her funeral came into my mind.

She was born with only one kidney at 3 pounds and was sick with one infection or another most of her life. One winter Day when she was 7 and after a huge snow storm, she was watching her brothers and sister play in the snow while she sat inside wrapped in a blanket with yet another infection and fever. She hated missing all the fun and decided right then she as not going to watch life through a window. she would determine her own fate and she did. she was active and giving and always busy despite her physical ailments. when she was sick in bed for a year she started a knitting club with women in her church group to teach them how to knit and crochet. She called them the knit wits! the point is that she lived. On her terms despite what challenges she faced. She was, is, amazing!

So this story came to mind as I am eating. Then, right after, the words "dont live your life watching through the window!" came to me. It was a tender mercy bestowed to me when i needed her the most. She was telling me to quit wallowing and get on with my life. So I have. Yesterday was productive and my mental state much improved. I can do this. If nothing else than to honor th her. But I know she would want me to do this for me. For my family. She would not want me to give up. Either on life or this change I am trying to make.

Thank you momma for helping me. I will not let the blessing from Monday be wasted. I will make you proud. I love you and miss you.

Onwards.

Loves.