Wednesday, November 16, 2011


Impromptu birthday party for grandson at Chuck E Cheese.  That should shed all the light necessary on why I only lost .2 pounds.  I am shocked and dismayed at my inability to NOT SHOVE TWO PIECES OF CHEESE PIZZA IN MY PIE HOLE IN JUST UNDER 2.3 SECONDS!  Okay, I exaggerated.  It's just that, well, it smelled so good and one just was not enough.  I further complicated my night by eating a piece of cake.  Not a huge one, but one nonetheless.  The frosting was blue and child #3 said I looked like I was a titanic survivor.  Seriously though, I could not stop myself.  I calculated my dinner calories and they were over 1000 (shock you say!)  But with the exercise I did yesterday, my net calories were only over by 4, so I didn't feel too bad - but maybe I shouldn't be subtracting my exercise calories to get a net?  If not than I was WAY OVER!

This morning Harold, my husband, and no it is not his real name, and I got in a tiff.  Oh, it started innocently enough, but quickly escalated to a full blown tiff which is to say not as bad as a full blown fight but not innocent enough to just call it a conversation.  When we pulled into work (and yes we work at the same company but in different divisions) he said to me, "Why does every conversation we have lead right into a fight?"  I said "Well, quit being wrong all the time!"  then turned and walked away and into the building as he stood there speechless feeling very smug and self satisfied.

Until about 15 minutes later that is.  Remorse for my words set in.  I tried to call and apologize but he was stuck in meetings so that apology had to wait until about 3:30 this afternoon, when we both apologized and ended the conversation with I love you to each other.  Smoothed over until the next time.

The underlying factor that I find interesting is in my not being able to keep my mouth shut and saying things that hurt him and others, then feeling such remorse afterwards and having to clean up the mess I just made.  Wouldn't it be better to keep myself in check to begin with?  I find that I have the same problem with food.  Like at Chuck's place last night.  I felt remorse after downing the pizza  in 2.3 seconds.  Why couldn't I feel that remorse BEFORE and save me the time of worrying how I was going to get that cheese off my hips????

I keep going back to that issue of control.  I think though that I need to add the word Conscious.
Conscious Control.
Of what I am doing in the  moment I am doing it.

At work I deal with people all over the united states in stressful situations both on the phone and in person.  When I make client visits we often go out to eat.  In both cases,  I have control over what I say, how I say it, what i eat, and how I eat.  So why can't I have CONSCIOUS CONTROL with my husband, children, friends, and food?????

Harold, I want to publicly tell you (which is ironic because I won't tell him about this blog so I don't have to censor myself but I need to write what I feel so this whole journey is real to me) I'm sorry.  You are not always wrong.  I'm sorry I have not been more kind to you in our private conversations.  I will work on that.

Self, I am sorry I don't do better at having more control over the issues that bring you pain and frustration.  I want you to be happy and love yourself and I know I am the key to making that happen.  I will NOT GIVE UP on YOU!

Thank goodness there is a new day tomorrow. 


PS.  In the midst of writing/editing this post, Harold came into my office and an opportunity for a new tiff arose.  I, however, practiced conscious control.  It felt good. One day at at time.  ONE. 

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